“You have been only too eager to hear of the problems of us mere mortals today. I think it’s high time you spilled the beans on your ‘marital proposals, problems, issues…’ Mr. Lyon.”
Rob in the TMS inbox

1749 - 4-0 Chris Gayle, who still looks to be suffering with that side problem despite bowling all those overs, gets off the mark with an edge along the ground down to third man. Not too troublesome that over from Ryan Sidebottom, but a decent shape to the odd delivery suggests he might get something from this pitch.

ENGLAND INNINGS

“What’s happening? There seems to only be cricket commentary! Is everyone too drunk to email in anymore? Or are there just too many weddings in the cricket season?”
Zac, Bath! in the TMS inbox

Good point Zac, my inbox seems to have dried up - so to speak (ooh-er). Come on people - I want a final push in the last 15 minutes or so. Marriage proposals, problems, issues - anything goes. Well, not anything, but you know what I mean…

1735 - WICKET! Panesar c Gayle b Sammy 0, Eng 313 all out
And that is Sammy’s seventh wicket (7-66) and England are all out! Monty lasts just two balls before edging to Gayle at slip and West Indies face a target of 455 to win the Test. There’s plenty of time, of course, but I can’t see this lasting much past tea tomorrow.

“Hello, just wondered why the comments from the ladies have dried up - perhaps they are making tea?”
Bill in the TMS inbox

1732 - WICKET! Collingwood c Ganga b Sammy 42, Eng 313-9
Sammy becomes only the third West Indian to take six wickets in an innings on debut as Colly attempts another clip over midwicket and succeeds only in dollying it straight to Daren Ganga. It brings Monty to the crease, with the lead at 454, and Sammy might never have a better chance of getting a seven-for…

1731 - 313-8 Collingwood, fast running out of partners as he targets a fifth Test half century, prods Gayle down to third man for a couple before clipping over midwicket for a couple more. Five to the Durham all-rounder from the over before Sidebottom edges another between slip and gully to bring up his second boundary of the innings and that’s nice from the over.

1726 - 304-8 It should be another wicket in the over for Sammy, who induces the edge from Sidebottom only for it to fly past Morton in the slips and down to third man for four. Just that boundary from another superb over.

1723 - WICKET! Harmison c Morton b Sammy 16, Eng 300-8
That’s Sammy’s five-for on debut, and fully deserved it is too! Another deadly accurate effort on off stump has Harmison fending and he edges to second slip, where Runako Morton pouches a fine catch diving to his right.

1717 - 300-7 Gayle strolls, literally, back into the attack and wicket-keeper Ramdin is smashed in the eye from one that spits off a length second ball in. Within seconds he’s sporting a big old shiner - that’ll impress the ladies in the town centre later and no mistake - and he opts to put on his helmet. Kind of closing the barn door after the horse has bolted I reckon, but still. A few singles later and Harmison brings up the 300 with a nurdle to square leg, four off the over.

“Three streakers. Well that adds up to a complete over, probably. All we need now is a Maiden.”
Bill, Tring in the TMS inbox

1714 - 296-7 With the new ball still not taken, Harmison takes the opportunity to free his arms and bludgeon one from Sammy straight down the ground for a one-bounce four. Sammy, in his ninth straight over, replies by beating his outside edge with a jaffa.

1709 - 292-7 Yet another - the third - streaker gets onto the field. And to those who have asked, I have no idea what the record number of streakers in a day is - perhaps someone can inform me? Glad I wasn’t there that day anyway, however many it was. The new ball is now available but it is refused as Edwards continues. Bit of shape first ball that just misses Steve Harmison’s off stump, but no prodigious movement thereafter. Just a single from the over.

1706 - 291-7 Another tight over from Sammy yields just a single to Harmison.

“After Harmison’s positive reaction to being hugged by the naked man, one wonders whether Allan Donald is having second thoughts about his role as a motivational bowling coach for England.”
Pete, Birmingham in the TMS inbox

1701 - 290-7 Gayle is out of the attack, which suits me because the blighter raced through his overs far too quickly for my liking. Fidel Edwards is back to renew his rivalry with Harmison, having given him something of a working over in the first innings. Just as he did then, though, Harmison is providing stubborn opposition - not least when another streaker comes onto the pitch and gives him a big hug. Not so accommodating is Sammy, who sprints away when approached by the same fella - much to the amusement of his team-mates. Harmison, clearly buoyed by his encounter with the naked man, ends the over with a dreamy drive down the ground for four.

By the way, thanks to those of you who pointed out Gayle ‘deigned’ not ‘ordained’ to appeal earlier. Becoming a priest would’ve been a novel approach to getting wickets, though, you have to admit…

1653 - 283-7 Sammy really is getting the ball to sing a bit at the moment. Harmison snatches a single and a muted appeal for lbw follows the last ball of the over. Collingwood was well outside the line, though.

1651 - 282-7 Ganga brings long-on up last ball of the over to prevent the Durham all-rounder nicking a single and hogging the strike - and Colly responds by sending Gayle’s delivery back over his head for a lofted six. Nice. Eight from the over.

1647 - 274-7 Harmison fends off the last ball of the over for a couple through midwicket, but what an over from St Lucian debutant Sammy.

1645 - WICKET! Plunkett c Bravo b Sammy 0, Eng 272-7
It’s NOT a hat-trick, although Gayle appeals for it despite the ball missing Plunkett’s bat by a foot, but the Durham bowler is gone two balls later. Another testing Sammy delivery is edged onto his pads by Plunkett, the ball flying to Bravo who takes the catch on the dive. Excellent take and that’s three wickets in five balls. All talk of a declaration appears to have been quelled.

1641 - WICKET! Prior c Ramdin b Sammy 0, Eng 272-6
Commentator’s curse or what? Prior goes first ball in similar fashion and debutant Sammy is on a hat-trick…

1639 - WICKET! Bell c Ramdin b Sammy 2, Eng 272-5
Belly just can’t replicate his first-innings average in the second innings. His average second time around is in the 20s and he’s gone early again here - edging a rising Sammy delivery behind to go for just two. Matty Prior might just up the aggression levels nicely, though.

“A little dilemma here in the office Sam. Having watched the cricket all day and following it with your good self on the Beeb site, was chuffed to see Cooky approaching his century. However, a female colleague of mine decided that, just as Cook was in the 90s, she had had enough of the cricket and I am now being subjected to live coverage of Big Brother. What should I do? Grin and bear it or throw her out the window?”
Michael Palmer in the TMS inbox

Michael mate - it’s the window, it’s only fair. Spare the world of another reality TV show addict please.

1638 - 272-4 Gayle, bowling with the urgency of someone who’s realised they’ve left the oven on at home, continues and just one comes off the over.

1637 - 271-4 The sight of Ian Bell, fresh from his first innings 97, striding to the crease when you’re already over 400 runs behind can’t be a welcome sight for the Windies. And Collingwood looks in determined mood too, cutting brilliantly to bring up another boundary. But he’s almost gone soon after, nudging back to Sammy who picks and throws at the stumps, only to miss with Colly lying prostrate mid-pitch. Should’ve gone then.

“Tell Sarah from Bucks not to bother going to the wedding as she will be needed at another one…ours!”
Derek in the TMS inbox

1633 - 267-4 A couple of singles finish off the over. Cook’s top score in Test cricket remains 127 - six centuries and not past 127? Rubbish.

1631 - WICKET! Cook lbw Gayle 106, Eng 265-4
Gayle strikes! Aleem Dar raises his finger after a straight one raps Cook on the pads. Hawkeye suggested it was high and going down leg but I’m not sure you can blame Dar for that one, it looked good first-up. He was probably stung into action by the fact Gayle deigned to appeal - and almost vociferously at that! Not sure I expected that from the laid back opener.

1629 - 265-3 Another tidy over from Sammy. As my colleague points out, this is rather like watching the middle overs of a 50-over match - in other words, it’s a bit dull.

1626 - 263-3 Collingwood again advances down the pitch and flicks Gayle over midwicket for a couple. Plenty of turn and bounce, even for the part-timer spinner Gayle here. Once a proper spinner, i.e. Monty, gets on, I can imagine him ripping through the Windies line-up rather swiftly.

“Have you ever thought about opening a pub, Sam? You could call it The Lyon Bar.”
Mark, Hampshire in the TMS inbox

1624 - 260-3 Collingwood nudges a single to take England’s lead to 400. At this rate the lead will be over 500 by the close of play and opinion is still split over whether England should declare this evening. I hate to be boring, but with two days left I don’t see the need to declare just yet - the forecast is good for the next two days and England might as well just bat the tourists completely out of the game, no? Three singles from the over.

1621 - 257-3 Nice work from Collingwood, who dances down the wicket and lofts Gayle one bounce for four over mid-off. It’s about time a batsman started treating this buffet bowling with the disdain it deserves.

“Sam, just wondered if you would publish this, my first e-mail, in an attempt to wind up the people who send in countless emails and never get one published.”
Josh, Chorley in the TMS inbox

1618 - 252-3 A glance up to the pavilion shows former umpire Dickie Bird grabbing a quick nap. Whether it’s the match itself or the company of David Collier next to him that has sent him to sleep is anyone’s guess. More ones and twos from Cook and Colly and England are more than comfortable.

1614 - 247-3 He doesn’t mess about getting through his over ol’ Chris Gayle - two singles from it and, considering he came into the Test with an injury, he’s doing a fine job for his skipper out there. Monty P looks on excitedly from the balcony at the movement and bounce coming off the Old Trafford pitch.

1609 - 245-3 And that’s it - a lovely pull goes for four and Cook brings up his sixth Test century - the first Englishman to bring up six centuries by the age of 22. It brings him alongside Bradman, Tendulkar, Miandad and Harvey in that regard. That’s eight centuries from England’s batsmen in this series - compared to none for the West Indies. That tells it’s own tale doesn’t it.

“As I’m having no luck on here today I shall have to get ready for this wedding I’m supposed to be attending in about an hour’s time. Should I feign car trouble and stay a while or should I go? I’ll leave you a picture…”
Sarah, Bucks in the TMS inbox

1607 - 240-3 An appeal against Cook for lbw off Gayle, but the ball struck him outside the line and the Essex opener remains four short of what would be a sixth Test century. Not bad for a 22-year-old.

1604 - 238-4 Good news for the Windies, with a team statement claiming Bravo will be back on the field after 20 minutes of treatment on his ankle problem. Chanderpaul takes the first over after the break again, but Cook and Collingwood pick him off easily. It’s an over interrupted by a pitch-invader but I can’t describe him or her as the TV cameras refuse to show them. Judging by the delay they are quite a lively invader, evading capture for a good few minutes…it does not break Cook’s concentration, though, who ends the over with a sublime drive through the covers to take him to 96.

“Sam, you shouldn’t take these puns on your name Lyon down”
Simon, Romford in the TMS inbox

“Sam, do you have a snappy dressing brother? The Dandy Lyon?”
Glenn in the TMS inbox

“Sam, I need your help. I’m watching the game whilst being thoroughly entertained reading live text and my girlfriend is legged out on the couch fast asleep. The beer is flowing freely and this can is very nearly empty. Should I wake her up to get me another can from the fridge?”
Simon, Cheam in the TMS inbox

Simon - letting her sleep on the job, thereby avoiding her beer-fetching duties, is an elementary mistake. Wake her and don’t let it happen again.

1540 - 228-3 Two from another swift and tidy Gayle over and that’s tea. Cook is 11 short of a century, Collingwood’s on three and I’m off for a brew.

“I don’t think Mrs Pietersen is watching, she was gyrating on stage with the rest of Liberty X at Sheffield Uni last night at our end of year bash. I don’t remember this as such but I was there apparently. My head hurts a lot though. Any ideas for hangover cures ladies and gents? Especially as I’m off out tonight as well. Student life, eh? Gotta love it.”
Mike, Sheffield in the TMS inbox

1538 - 226-3 Chance for the Windies as a throw from midwicket just misses the stumps with Collingwood a yard short of his ground pinching a second run. And the Windies’ current misery is compounded when Bravo goes over on his troublesome right ankle and the over is called five balls in. Will that lost delivery cost England?! Erm, no.

1535 - 224-3 Gayle continues and it’s just one from the over.

1531 - 223-3 My editor reliably informs me that KP is only the fourth person to get out with his headgear falling on the wicket - so now you know. Collingwood comes to the crease, no doubt keen to get another score under his belt and it’s a couple of singles to finish the over.

1526 - WICKET! - Pietersen hit wicket Bravo 68 Eng 221-3
Pietersen goes! And in bizarre fashion too. A tremendous surprise bouncer from Bravo raps him on the helmet as he tries to pull, which flies off his head with the strap broken and onto the stumps. Pietersen looks stunned and has to suffer the ignominy of having to walk back to the wicket to pick up his headgear before traipsing off. Bravo celebrates wildly, bless him.

“…and are you shortly to marry a Miss Tamer, who intends to double-barrel her surname after the big day?”
Guy Brown in the TMS inbox

1525 - 221-2 Gayle gets one to turn out of the foot holes and Cook somehow avoids an edge with a wild swipe. While the Windies fielders gasp audibly, there is not a drop of emotion on Gayle’s face. He really is the coolest man in showbiz.

1519 - 218-2 Ooh, Pietersen doubles up after taking one in the mummy-daddy button off Bravo. That looked like it hurt. His missy - that lass from Liberty X (who I hear have split up?) will be looking on with some concern I’m sure. That’s if she’s watching. She might not be to be fair and I wouldn’t blame her - this is turgid stuff at the moment.

“Half my muffin has just collapsed into my cappuccino as I was dunking! What would you do Sam forget it and chuck it down the sink or get a spoon?”
Chris in the TMS inbox

Chris - suck it up man, it’ll be the most delighted cappuccino you’ve ever tasted.

1517 - 216-2 KP finally goes on the attack against Gayle, striding down the wicket and flailing wildly at a short one. He almost misses completely, though, saving some poor blighter a long old rekkie to fetch back a ball that would most likely have gone miles. Two from the over.

“Check out the headlines relating to this Test from the Global press as displayed to the right of this Lonely Hearts column that’s going on in here today. Anyone else amused that typically the Aussie one has the sole negative spin on England’s farings?”
Stu, Exeter (and countless other eagle-eyed messagers) in the TMS inbox

1514 - 214-2 Credit to the Windies attack, they’re still serving up some accurate bowling despite the desperation of their position. Just two singles from another tidy Bravo over.

1510 - 212-2 Gayle continues but Cook and KP resolutely refuse to press down the accelerator, grabbing just four from another harmless over.

“Hi Sam, Well done on your first day here its been good so far… Do you have a brother called Chris? If so does he go by the name C.Lyon? and work at an Aquarium?”
Paul, Russia in the TMS inbox

1508 - 208-2 Shock! The Windies produce a decent bit of fielding! Jerome Taylor produces a fine stop from Pietersen, who casually pulled Bravo away towards the boundary rope for a couple. Apologies, I’m hitting the post-session mid-afternoon lull here. Don’t abandon me now folks, keep the emails coming!

“After countless emails to Mr Dirs, I never get published. Therefore, if you put this up, I will out-do some guy from yesterday who offered to show their bum in Woolworths and shall run naked around Trafalgar Square shouting “I hate Ben Dirs!”"
Stu in the TMS inbox

1503 - 205-2 Yet another missed chance by the West Indies! Pietersen brings up the 100 partnership with Cook with a streaky waft to the leg side off Gayle that Runako Morten puts down at mid-on. KP and Cook continue to find runs easy to come by, though, and seven come off an otherwise tame over.

1459 - 198-2 Maiden from Bravo to Cook.

“Who do we think is the England team’s Dr. Love? I can see Colly giving the young lads like Monty and Cook pulling tips before a night out.”
Steve in the TMS inbox

1455 - 198-2 Chris Gayle, clearly hampered by the side strain that threatened to keep him out of the match, comes into the attack. England hold off blasting away at his gentle trundlers, but KP does bring up his 50 with a prod into the leg side. Five singles from the over in all.

Now that Sarah from Canterbury has found true love, can I ask about Kate in Amsterdam? Are you there Kate and will you be sending in your picture too?”
Pykse, Princes Risborough in the TMS inbox

I’ll be honest Pyske - I’m feeling a touch snubbed by Kate’s absence today. She clearly only has time for Mr Dirs.

1451 - 193-2 Bravo continues and he serves up a maiden. Maybe Pietersen isn’t quite ready to go on the all-out attack - shame. In other news, a colleague to my left is dead impressed by our imbedded Cook video (see below). He is likening it the “wonderful moving pictures you get in those Harry Potter films”. Bless him.

“Sam, when our two lovebirds eventually get married, the one thing I want to know is whether Sarah will be happy changing her surname from Canterbury to J. Or maybe a double-barrelled effort is the order of the day?”
Chris Coyne in the TMS inbox

“Having only just checked the site for the first time today I am slightly concerned it has changed into some kind of internet dating agency. In which case I feel my email should’ve gone like this : M, 23, GSOH, 5 11, seeking cricket commentary for fun and frolicking, slightly confused.”
Adam, Canterbury in the TMS inbox

1443 - 193-2 Glorious from Pietersen! A full Taylor delivery is given the treatment by the England number four, who leans back and smashes it back down the ground for a super four. He goes for the same next ball but can only find mid-off. Looks like KP might be going on the attack now and Cook comes to the party with a pull for a couple - hoorah! . And double hoorah as the TV cameras pick out a lovely in the crowd - it’s looking up all round folks!

“Hi Sam, can you lovely BBC types help me solve a problem? Was the photo personals free dating service Ceri, the foxy girl who was trying to get my attention in the Solihull Wetherspoon’s last night as I was struggling to carry a load of drinks? I’d be eager to renew acquaintances with her!”
Matt B, Birmingham in the TMS inbox

“Depressed from Liverpool - when I’m nervous speaking to people I always follow the old adage of imagining them naked. Not sure it will help in your case, but a pleasant way to pass the time nevertheless.”
Richard in the TMS inbox

1439 - 186-2 Dwayne Bravo comes into the attack but there’s no great change for the Windies. Cook nudges a couple after a KP single. It’s three from the over, it’s not especially compelling or entertaining, and there’s not a great deal to add.

“Don’t know Ben’s nephew, but I have come across his rather saucy niece, Suspen.”
Steve in the TMS inbox

“I don’t really feel I need anything at the moment, so I thought I’d see if you needed any help?”
Danny in the TMS inbox

I’ll have a think Danny…

1434 - 183-2 Three from the over thanks to some good running by Cook and KP. It really is all too easy for England.

“What about Ben’s alcoholic uncle Last-or?” Pete, Gravesend in the TMS inbox

1429 - 180-2 Pietersen latches onto a shortish Chanderpaul bunger and cuts it through square with supreme confidence. This partnership is fast approaching 100 and the lead 350. Anyone with tickets for Monday might want to check out some online auctions for selling purposes…

“Re: moving in with my work colleague (see below). I knew it, it’s all your fault! No sooner did I say yes to house sharing then we’re down IKEA choosing curtains and arguing over what’s on the TV, and we haven’t moved yet. Just for that you’re getting an invite to the wedding.”
Glen in the TMS inbox

1425 - 175-2 They’re racing through their overs at the minute the Windies, which really is cutting into my lazing about and reading your emails time. It really won’t do. Tight lines from Taylor and it’s one from the over.

“If Sarah from Canterbury and Peter J end up getting hitched following their recent flirting, will WE ALL be invited to their wedding?”
Jon, Milan in the TMS inbox

“Do you know Ben’s rather aggressive nephew, Aft?”
Christopher Wefing in the TMS inbox

1421 - 174-2 Maiden from Chanderpaul, who is getting a bit of turn. The crowd are a touch restless at the moment, and launch into an impromptu mass littering from the stands. My first thought is - ‘Who’s going to clean that all up?’ - does that mean I’m getting old?

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1419 - 174-2 Cook looks like his heart rate has barely touched 60 all day. He and KP are comfortably pinching ones and twos, with only the odd alarm, and it’s all quite subdued at the moment. That is until Pietersen latches on to a short Taylor delivery and rockets one through the on side for four.

“Dear Doctor Love, I need your help! I am desperately in love with the most beautiful shop worker in Liverpool, but I turn from my usual cool persona into a bumbling, mumbling idiot in her presence. I’ve tried being cool and asking her out, but i just clam up. Please help!”
Depressed of Liverpool in the TMS inbox

1416 - 167-2 Chanderpaul continues with his dobblies and Cook latches onto a long-hop, pulling it to the boundary with ease. The Windies look almost resigned to their fate here, which in all likelihood means they’ll have to chase over 500 over two days. Come on KP - start smashing it to all parts!

1412 - 162-2 Cook pulls Taylor away for a single off last delivery after five dot balls to end an accurate over. I won’t lie to you, there are nowhere near enough shots of fair maidens in the crowd for my liking. Damn those frigid TV directors!

“With the clown show that is Harmy and Plunkett I say we bat for a draw.”
Richard, Howden in the TMS inbox

“I think they should declare now and give the ball to Harmison. They’ll be home by tea.”
Thomas, Cambridge in the TMS inbox

1407 - 161-2 Another chance goes down for the Windies! Two singles from Chanderpaul’s over precedes an attempted cut from Pietersen off a quicker delivery, which flies to Gayle at slip. The opener can’t get down in time, though, and the ball flies off his boot and away. Definite chance that.

“On the subject of Dirs’ family, has anyone mentioned his sporty brother Roun and the black sheep cousins of the family, the Boun-Dirs?”
Duncan in the TMS inbox

1403 - 159-2 Big appeal against Cook for leg before - Taylor erupting mid-pitch after swinging one back into the opener’s pads. It was going over and probably hit him outside the line too so good decision from Aleem Dar to shake his head. Cook hooks one away and KP brings up the 300 lead a nudge to the covers. So what are we thinking people? Bat and bat, or build a 400-450 lead and have a stab at them tonight?

1359 - 155-2 Chanderpaul to Pietersen and five dot balls come either side of a punch for two behind square. At least the spinner is pitching it now.

“I’ll pick contestant number 1 please, Cilla.”
Sarah, Canterbury in the TMS inbox

“Peter J - just for a minute I thought you’d sent in a picture of the FA cup.”
Steve, Mirfield in the TMS inbox

1358 - 153-2 Taylor offers Cook a hint of width outside off and the opener slashes a sublime boundary between gully and point. Cook then brings up the 150 with a streaky boundary between slips and gully. A puff of dust off the pitch appears to have been the culprit for the slight movement, and Monty Panesar will no doubt be looking on with relish up in the dressing room.

“Spot of cheese on toast for me. What was the best of Auntie Beebs culinary delights for you Sam?”
Ceri in Solihull in the TMS inbox

I opted for a four day-old Salmon bagel, a punnet of mouldy raspberries and a fruit twist drink effort. Abysmal fare really. I may be forced to report on the afternoon’s cricket from trap three I fear.

1353 - 145-2 Chanderpaul’s approach appears to be to serve up full tosses in the hope that England continue to miss out on them - and it’s almost working. Cook fails to get two away before nudging a single, before KP, eye now firmly in, batters another full bunger away behind point.

“Sam, don’t despair - things could be worse. You could be sitting on the beach in sunny SW Florida, bloody Mary in hand, following the commentary on the laptop. Cheers!”
Roy, Florida in the TMS inbox

1349 - 140-2 Jerome Taylor is finally brought into the attack after a morning compiling a calgary specialty dating sites
handbook. Cook brings up his half century with a nudge to square leg and Taylor then serves up a jaffa to Pietersen, beating him outside off stump with a touch of movement off the seam. Decent first over of the day from the seamer.

1344 - 139-2 In a move of sheer aggression, the Windies throw Shiv Chanderpaul the ball straight after lunch. How very odd. Still, it’s tidy enough until Pietersen misses out on a boundary after blitzing a lofted full toss straight to the man at point. Three from the over.

“While I was content to hide behind my computer screen, I couldn’t possibly ignore the request of Len, lest the very beautiful Sarah thinks I’m a coward.”
Peter J in the TMS inbox

Right, we’re back people. Get emailing in, because your messages are the only thing keeping me from slumping into a pit of post-booze despair…Cheers.

“The TMS commentators are describing the West Indies fielding as ’schoolboy stuff.’ I find that rather offensive.”
Chris in the TMS inbox

1302 - 136-2 Unbelievable slackness from the Windies in the field - even by their own shocking standards - as Jerome Taylor allows a tame Pietersen drive to slip through his legs at mid-off and it goes for four. No sign of Pietersen playing for lunch, though, as he plays an expansive pull off the final ball of the session which drops a yard short of Dwayne Bravo. Six off the over and that’s lunch ladies and gents.

1258 - 130-2 Cook flicks through midwicket for a single and Pietersen then fends a rising Edwards delivery away for another. Cook - as KateB has points out in the TMS inbox - is compiling another fine innings here. Another couple of singles end the over and the crowd enjoy a touch of ‘harmless’ banter as Collymore successfully fields down at the boundary. Viv Richards on TMS remains furious at the bowler’s earlier drop, amusingly.

1251 - 126-2 Pietersen plays out a maiden from Sammy relatively comfortably, and everyone - including myself - looks to have one eye on lunch.

“Sam, while he is away can you settle an age old argument? Is Tom Fordyce his real name? And if yes, how did he survive school?”
Matthew, Jarrow in the TMS inbox

“The picture of Sarah is big enough to see what a beautiful young lady she is. I think Peter J should send in a pic for her.”
Len in the TMS inbox

1248 - 126-2 Another scare for England, Cook this time edging to first slip but it drops just short of Chris Gayle. Edwards is distraught, Gayle looks utterly non-plussed, for a change. And yet more anguish off the final delivery, Cook hooking in the air towards third man but Collymore, running in from the boundary, gets nowhere near it and it rolls away for four. Viv Richards on TMS points out that Collymore probably thought the ball “was five times bigger than it actually is”.

“Dear Sam, a very attractive work colleague has asked to house share with me but I am just concerned that she will undoubtedly fall in love with me, as they all do, and make all sorts of demands on my time, i.e. not watching TMS on the computer. However this may cause problems at work. Is it too late to back out?”
Glen in the TMS inbox

Why on earth would you want to back out of that, Glen?

“I hope a microscope is all that Pete S will be getting out.”
Simon, Edinburgh in the TMS inbox

1245 - 119-2 Sammy brings a wild edge from KP, but it goes for four between gully and backward point, much to the number four’s relief. His is the wicket the Windies really want. Sammy opts against repeating Edwards’ confrontational style, although he’d give KP a run for his money in a scrap I reckon, and it’s six from the over.

“Sam, while he is away can you settle an age old argument? Is Ben Dirs his real name? And if yes, how did he survive school?”
Ian, Northumberland in the TMS inbox

Ian - it is indeed his real name. Brother to Woof and son to Poof. And, you know, I’m not sure he even went to school, the little blighter.

1239 - 113-2 Bit of stare and glare between Edwards and Pietersen after the Windies paceman beats an expansive KP drive with a flyer off the pitch. Edwards then has KP taking evasive action with a fine bouncer next ball, following up to within two yards of Pietersen’s crease, bristling with aggression. Funny little confrontation this. KP would eat the diminutive Edwards for breakfast, surely. Three singles from the over.

“Thanks for posting the worlds smallest picture of Sarah, when I get home from work i may get out the microscope and see what she looks like.”
Pete S in the TMS inbox

1234 - 110-2 Cook brings up the 250 lead for England with a couple through the covers, but otherwise Sammy’s over brings nothing but solid defence from the opener.

“Dear Sam! I am in love with this guy who works for the Beeb sports and I don’t know how to go about asking him to marry me. Do you have any suggestions?!”
Bex B in the TMS inbox

Get in line Bex, get in line…

1228 - 108-2 The Chanderpaul experiment is ended and Edwards is brought into the attack. That leaves Jerome Taylor still kicking his heels in the outfield. Not sure why he’s not been given a go yet this morning. Edwards return is a decent one, though, getting KP into trouble with an accurate bouncer that Pietersen does well to fend off. A single apiece for Cook and KP off the final two balls take the score to 108.

“Pah! You young ‘uns know nothing! The real secret of marital TV bliss is to have one each in separate rooms.”
Ian in the TMS inbox

1223 - 106-2 Pietersen pinches a single first ball, driving straight to cover. But it’s another accurate over from Sammy, with Cook leaving plenty alone outside off stump. England’s lead is approaching 250, though, and they are in total command at the moment.

“Sam, I have a horrible hangover as a result of a few too many tequilas last night, what do you suggest?”
James A in the TMS inbox

James A - partake in a little cricket commentary yourself, it seems to be doing the trick for me.

1220 - 105-2 Cook brings up the 100 with a nudge and KP then gets off the mark with a ferocious drive off a Chanderpaul full-toss. Gents - Sarah’s pic is in and posted. I feel like Cilla Black here, I really do.

“Gosh, have come over all pink! Only too happy to oblige Peter J, who seems like a very nice man!”
Sarah, Canterbury in the TMS inbox

1217 - 99-2 KP comes to the crease, apparently with no great record at Old Trafford and safely sees out the rest of the over.

1215 - WICKET - Vaughan c & b Sammy 40, Eng 99-2

Vaughan’s gone! Sammy brings a well-timed drive from the England skipper and plucks a superb return catch out of the air low down to end Vaughan’s 77-ball stay. A bit of magic from the all-rounder there and it’s just what the doctor ordered for the Windies.

Dan - it would seem you have the full support of the majority in the TMS inbox. On the proviso that while she watches Any Dream Will Do, the Final - you go down the pub. A fair compromise I’m sure you’ll agree.

1211 - 98-1 Chanderpaul continues and England continue to pick off the ones and twos. Five from the over and the hosts are ticking over without alarm.

“I have no toilet roll Sam. What do you suggest?”
Jack in the TMS inbox

Jack - air dry mate. Jubbly.

1208 - 93-1 Despite mid-on and mid-off being pretty close in, Cook and Vaughan pick off three well-run singles, courtesy of another couple of fumbles in the field. And I may be missing something here, but I’m getting a lot of mail regarding Sarah and Kate (see below). What’s that about? Are they Dirsy’s secret love children or something?

“Sam, like most of your male readers, I’m helplessly in love with Sarah from Canterbury. Can you persuade her to send in a picture so we can put a face to the name?”
Peter J in the TMS inbox

“Dear Sam, I am in love with a woman who works in a curtain shop. Please don’t tell me to pull my self together, she doesn’t know, can love be so blind??”
Steve, Mirfield in the TMS inbox

Steve, I have put this in, against my better judgement, because it made me giggle. That is all.

1202 - 90-1 Chanderpaul, who has taken eight Test wickets at an average of 100 each, is brought into the attack. This should be interesting. My editor reliably informs me that among his victims are Graham Thorpe, Steve Waugh and Stephen Fleming, though, so he’s clearly no mug. He gets some spin first ball into Vaughan’s pads and the England skipper remains watchful for the rest of an accurate over. Just a single through the covers last ball and that’ll be drinks. Hair of the dog might do the job for me to be honest…

“I’m getting married on Day 2 of the first England - India test match. Is it worth postponing the wedding a year? Are these days important to women?”
Tim Ayling in the TMS inbox

Tim - postpone it mate, she’ll totally understand. I’m pretty sure women consider weddings more a hardship than anything else. Honest.

1159 - 89-1 Vaughan nudges down to third man for a couple and a Cook drive brings another error in the field, Bravo allowing the ball to slip through his legs at gully.

“My wife as agreed to me listening to the cricket and reading TMS as long as I don’t complain about her watching the ‘Any Dream Will Do’ final tonight on BBC1. Have I got a good deal?”
Dan in the TMS inbox

Dan - I’ll leave this to a public vote. Send me in ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ people and I’ll let Dan know the results in a bit.

1154 - 84-1 Daren Ganga reaches new heights of rubbishness in the field trying to stop a Michael Vaughan drive down the ground going for four. In failing, he dives full length, grinds to a halt on the grass, head-butts the floor and watches forlornly as it trickles over the rope. Sammy shows him how it’s done next ball, stopping a Vaughan nudge going for four down at third man, but Collymore sends his next delivery past first slip for four wides. The extras count just keeps on rising.

“My first thoughts were that he edged that, so he might be a bit lucky there”
Jonathan Agnew on TMS

1150 - 72-1 A lovely clip down to fine leg brings Cook a welcome boundary but he survives a huge appeal next ball. Sammy has him flailing at a wide one and the Windies go up convinced he edged it behind, only to be greeted by a shake of the head from Aleem Dar. Cook laughs off the appeal and TV replays suggest Dar was right to give it not out. Sammy beats the edge again next ball and it’s a good over, without reward, for the St Lucian.

1146 - 67-1 Vaughan spanks another textbook drive but a decent stop restricts him to a single. A couple of other singles keep the batsmen rotating the strike nicely.

“Dear Sam. I am in love with the milkwoman, but I never seem to be able to get up in time. What should I do?”
Peter B in the TMS inbox

Peter B - I’m not a great morning person either and I can tell you this will never work out. Try things out on the second-delivery postwoman instead.

1142 - 64-1 As my editor says, he’s not the most threatening of all-rounders, Darren Sammy, but his shocking first ball today aside, he’s pretty damn accurate. A bit of movement off the seam has Cook flailing a touch fourth ball, and the Essex opener’s attempted cut next ball misses by a country mile. A maiden.

1138 - 64-1 Single from the over. Tidy work from Collymore so far this morning.

“I am the friend going out with James Pinnington’s sister.”
George Lines in the TMS inbox

In which case, George, I can only assume you’re reading this on your WAP service from Old Trafford. Whilst I salute your commitment to the coverage, is she really that dull?

1134 - 63-1 Darren Sammy is brought into the attack and he kicks off with a rank long-hop loosener that Cook pulls to the boundary neatly. It was a no-ball as well to add insult to injury. Another flick off his hip brings Cook a single and that’s six from the over.

“Steady on Andy H. Sam is quite clearly a bloke who is just getting in touch with his feminine side. Fantastic ruse Sam, currying favour with all those Sarahs, Kates etc out there. Bob on.”
Ceri in Solihull in the TMS inbox

1128 - 57-1 Maiden from Collymore, without ever really troubling Vaughan. I must admit, much to Peter M’s chagrin I’m sure, I’m far more entertained by your problem emails at the moment. If only I could just stream them all we could all have a good giggle at your twisted little issues…

“This is a bit embarrassing. I’ve been having trouble with my ‘aim’, so to speak, and our plush bathroom carpet is looking worse for wear. My friend Alan is at a loss. Please help.”
Mr S Harmison in the TMS inbox

1125 - 57-1 Cook and Vaughan are in cruise control at the moment. An inswinging Edwards delivery aside, that Cook negotiates admirably, it’s all very comfortable for the England pair. A flick off his hip to square leg for Cook typifies their no-fuss approach and the Windies look a little down in the mouth already.

“Do you think proposing to my girlfriend via the live text would be a suitably big and romantic gesture?”
M White in the TMS inbox

M White - of course! What says “I love you” better than an online proposal via a cricket commentary service? Nothing!

“I keep giggling at the thought of the “please just report on the cricket and desist from the inane drivel” brigade spluttering over their bacon sandwiches whilst reading your “Dr Love” column. Hilarious!”
Sarah, Canterbury in the TMS inbox

“I’ve recently fallen for a woman in the arts. Problem is, and I don’t generalise, they are all loopy. Do I go for it, or trust my instincts and stay well away.”
JK in the TMS inbox

JK - all women are loopy. It is a fact of life. Fill your boots.

1120 - 53-1 A single, wide and no-ball from an indifferent Collymore over. That brings the match total of extras to 104 apparently. The record is 173 extras in a match - that’s got to be in danger here, there’s a whole innings of Harmison and Plunkett spraying it all over the place to come yet.

“Sam - are you a geezer or a bird as, frankly, I cannot tell?”
Andy Hutton in the TMS inbox

“Sam - beer garden or Cricket? Please help!!”
Andy France in the TMS inbox

Andy F - both. Sup away merrily at a cold pint while accessing this commentary on your WAP service - bosh, job done.

“What’s with this habit of the two batsmen continually meeting in the middle to touch gloves? Why do they feel the need to do that?”
Viv Richards on TMS

1114 - 50-1 Vaughan finds his feet nicely with a glorious drive through the covers for four and then drives down the ground for another boundary next ball. Aggressive and dangerous Edwards may be, but he’s also expensive and England are picking him off right now.

“Good news about Dirs! Can we limit the chat to cricket please. The utter nonsense that has been served up on this site, in the guise of being ‘funny’, detracts from the otherwise excellent coverage provided by TMS. Let’s just stick to the cricket!”
Peter M in the TMS inbox

1108 - 40-1 Corey Collymore will share the opening overs with Edwards, but Cook deals with his tamer pace easily, nudging him through square leg for a comfortable three. Vaughan gets his first runs of the day with a textbook drive that Darren Sammy does brilliantly to stop on the dive and restrict the England skipper to a single. Another single for Cook ends the over.

1102 - 35-1 Decent opening over from Fidel Edwards, with a touch of early swing. Alastair Cook gets the first run of the day with a clip off his legs for a single, before Edwards beats Michael Vaughan’s bat by a matter inches after finding decent bounce off the middle of the pitch.

“Last week my best friend started going out with my sister and now he is ignoring me - and he took her to the cricket today instead of me. I am gutted. What shall i do?”
James Pinnington in the TMS inbox

James P - get over yourself man. You’re clearly not as gregarious or popular as your sister, deal with it. And buy your own tickets for the cricket in future, blooming cheapskate.

1057: The players are taking the field, with the general consensus being that England will target a lead of over 400 and then having a late stab at the Windies batsmen this evening. The tourists’ pace attack might have something to say about that, though, there’s still plenty in this pitch to keep them interested.

1054: Congratulations to all of you who made the ‘Spinball Wizard’ quip regarding Monty P and The Who. Very droll…

“Dear Sam. My girlfriend wanted to go to the ballet last night but I told her I had to watch the cricket and then go for tequilas with friends. Now she is furious. Help? What shall i do?”
Ed B in the TMS inbox

Ed B - She clearly doesn’t understand your needs, nor the theory that there is no question the solution to which cannot be found at the bottom of a tequila bottle. Dump her.

“Morning Sam - welcome to the party/dark hole that is live text - I am sure all the Sarah’s and Amsterdam Kates will be as accommodating as ever”
Andy Turner in the TMS inbox

1048: A brief chat with BBC columnist Paul Collingwood on the outfield reveals…not a lot. The Durham all-rounder is popular site online dating
coy about what England are targeting as a lead. Still, with three days still remaining, England’s hitters need only bat and bat today you feel. My editor is tipping KP to smash it to all parts…

“Do you think Monty P is a fan of The Who as he seems to base his celebration on the classic Pete Townshend leap?”
Chris Lowe in TMS inbox

1043: Morning people. Apologies to all you Dirsy fans out there - and there are a remarkable number of you - but you’re stuck with me this weekend. Essex’s finest is no doubt sunning himself in a pub garden somewhere, stroking on his designer stubble utterly oblivious to the whys and wherefores of Steve Harmison and Liam Plunkett’s dodgy actions.

Anyway, in an effort to stave off a burgeoning hangover (curse those Friday night Tequilas) I’m going to combine today’s clockwatch with a ‘Dear Deidre’-style agony aunt column. Today, I am Doctor Love. I want you all to send me your worries, issues and concerns and I shall solve one and all. Or at least the publishable ones. Bring it on…

There’s no such thing as a free number. That’s the subliminal (automated) message from the latest attempt to lure back missing customers to directory enquiries.

The opening up of the market three years ago brought dozens of different services and baffling charges. It was successful - in stopping large numbers of people using directory enquiries altogether.

And now 118 118, the market leader, is trying to strike back by offering a free service.

Except there’s a problem - well, two minor problems. First, when you ring the new free service it’s peppered with advertising. If you’re standing in the rain wanting a number in a hurry, who wants a hyperactive gym bunny shouting “Get moving” in a health club advert?

Minor problem two. The automated service doesn’t always have much luck with getting the right phone numbers in our straw poll.

Hung up

It’s the Christmas shopping season, so we try to get a number for Selfridges in Oxford Street, London. No luck two out of three times, using different male and female voices.

Directory Enquiries was once free

How about Westminster Abbey, one of the UK’s most popular tourist destinations (and a working cathedral to boot). Again two out of three attempts failed, with calls lasting up to a couple of minutes each.

But a number for Edinburgh Castle was identified with no problem - and a local delicatessen with a tricky name also proved successful first time.

But an enquiry for “National Rail Enquiries” drew a blank.

How about a number for the Palladium Theatre, where hit musical ‘The Sound of Music’ is currently playing? After an advert for an emergency plumber, the search does provide a number. Ring this, and there’s another recording saying the number has been changed.

With residential numbers, the service seems to struggle with long addresses, but hits the jackpot if provided with the full postcode. And if it works, you’ve saved the cost of an enquiry that could be anything from 29p to 2.

‘Fine tuning’

This service, launched on Monday, is still only a test version, says William Ostrom, spokesman for 118118. The first month will be used to tackle any teething problems and to gauge customer reaction.

The automated search process will be “fine tuned”, he says, but machines will always have limits and “nothing beats having a trained operator”.

But he says that the firm’s experience in the United States suggests that phone users will accept the trade-off of listening to adverts in exchange for a free service.

And in the UK, he accepts the challenge is to attract back customers who stopped using directory enquiries when the old 192 service was scrapped in 2003.

“People were very confused about what was replacing 192 - and we worked out that the only way was to offer a completely free service, because nothing else would reassure them.”

Add your comments on this story, using the form below.

I’ve tried the service as a test: Zero out of 3. The numbers for three well-known shops were searched but after a lengthy wait, nothing was forthcoming. I won’t use this service, because it is neither quick nor convenient. The internet works for me very well, and I’ll carry on using it to look for contact details.
Deborah Chan, London

Changing 192 to 118118 was almost as stupid and as big a crime as changing Opal Fruits to Starburst!
Andy, London

Why have all of these different directory enquiry number why can’t we have one point of contact as it was before!
Lynsey, Watford

I’d try this service if only to test my staple strategy with voice recognition - push random buttons until a) it gives up and dies, or b) grudgingly puts you through to a real person.
Suz, Southend

People can always ring their nearest large library, as many still have complete sets of telephone books, and access to the Internet. The staff are usually very willing and knowledgeable and can find a number for someone for any part of the UK.
Lucy Cross, Hemel Hempstead

I have phone books, I have Google. If I can’t find it with those I don’t bother.
Nick Hersey, Herts

Last time I tried to use directory enquiries, I dialled 118 and then guessed something. That service was a disaster. They could barely speak English, and kept on putting me on hold to boost their revenues. Never again - what I do now, is use the free service on the internet. It’s the same database as used by the call centres, only you can do it yourself, faster and for free.
Bah Humbug Dave, Croydon

I had to rush my wife into hospital and then needed to phone the people we’d hurriedly left our son with. Because we had been in a rush I didn’t have the phone number with me. The payphones wouldn’t let me phone out to a directory enquiry service at all - so much for the much vaunted consumer choice. I had to phone someone whose number I did know in my head, get them to find a 118 service, and then call them back a few minutes later for the number. Strangely, it wasn’t the kind of hassle I needed at the time. All I wanted (and still want) is a simple 192 service, even if I have to put 30p in the phone.
Rob, Cumbria

The idiots who pushed through deregulation ignored the fact that directory enquiries is a public service not a cash cow for private companies. Bring back one enquiries number and run it as a public service, by a public service with no advertising and no charge. After all if you’re trying to get a number you’re going to ring the damn thing anyway and put money into the phone company coffers.
David Parker, Bristol

So “opening up the market” was good for the consumer. Just like 100 dating free internet online
the railways, it’s a complete mess. The only purpose of these companies is to make money. The “service” is a by-product. Thank goodness for the internet. I never have any problems with finding a number using it. And in my case, it really is free.
Edward, Poole

Why was a perefectly good, useful, competent and free black online dating services
understood 192 service wrecked for the sake of a Free Market, where I suspect many suppliers went down the pan. the 118 etc service is confusing and all I hear is horror stories of online dating sims
and revenue building. I haven’t used it, don’t know how to, don’t know which number to ring, and probably use the phone much less because of it. Speech recognition doesn’t seem like a way forward, especially if nuisanced by Ads.
Chris Dupres, Smallfield, Surrey

Great idea! - when it is debugged it will be great, until then I will stick to the Net.
Tony Adams, St Albans

I no longer trust the business ethics/quality of information offered by directory enquiry numbers due to the extortionate prices charged for telling you that “no such person exists”, when you know you phoned them last week and stupidly forgot to write down their number. At least with the old BT you felt that they held correct information as they provided all the services.
Graham Turner, Tenterden, Kent

I used the directory service well, till it was privatised, I haven’t used it since. What a surprise, people aren’t willing to spend two pounds to get a phone number, what genius thought they would? Once again the government makes billions selling something that doesn’t work and that it doesn’t own, to stupid people with more money than sense.Come on, own up, who else saw this one coming?
Martin, Sheffield

Ever since the 192 free service disappeared I have only used the 118 services a couple of times. I have tried this free service and again I found it very poor, with adverts thrown in to make the experience awful. I will still rely on the good old-fashioned phone directory or the more up to date version on the Internet. It’s the same story that Britain has unfortunately become synonymous for, if you want a service, no matter what it is, you’re ripped off, bad service, high prices, and because every company does it there is no real call specialty dating tip when
.
Tom Probert, Caerphilly, Cardiff

Terms & Conditions

Glasgow-based Saw-You has entered into a adult compare dating online site
with MSN UK for a three-month trial during which its “Weemees” can be downloaded onto a user’s messenger tile.

The Weemees can be made to look like their creators using a choice of body shapes, clothing, dating free online service toronto
and interests.

Instant messaging is set to rise in popularity in the light of MSN’s decision to close its free, unmoderated chatrooms in Europe, Middle East, Latin America and most of Asia from 14 October.

From then, UK MSN users will only be able to chat through their instant messaging program, MSN Messenger.

MSN claim it is a much safer chat technology because chatters can restrict and control who they talk to.

‘Fun element’

Users chat to people on their “buddy lists” and permission to be a “buddy” needs to be granted.

Requests can only be made if users know the other’s e-mail address, says MSN, which means most children only have “buddies” who they know outside the internet.

The “Weemees” are incorporated into IM’s tile

Mike Kinsella, chief executive officer of Saw-You, said: “The W